First "real" week on the job...

I guess you could consider my first real week on the job complete, although I haven't been thrown in the fire. I have an extended training plan over the next month and a half that allows me the time to really learn the in's and out's of the culture and organization, which has been great mentally, given that my mind is still holding onto Ginger and what she's doing, how she's eating, if she's taking her naps,etc.

The people have been great, I must admit. I am surrounded by moms and dads with young children, so every time someone new comes in my office, they are immediately drawn to Ginger's photo collage. It's a great icebreaker, talking about your children- everyone seems to "get it" that despite being incredibly driven and committed, our lives are really all about our kids.

Pumping has been....interesting. I am able now to pump in my own office, which has no windows or glass so it's completely private. But it's still quite a commitment to get 1/2 undressed, set everything up, feel like a milking cow for 15 minutes, and then clean everything up. This happens twice a day, and part of me dreads it, part of me loves it(because I get to stare at Ginger's photo collage for 15 minutes and focus on my love for her) and part of me is proud that I'm so committed to getting her to 1 year and then transitioning straight to whole milk. But I do sometimes wonder about the day when someone knocks on my door, and I'll have to not answer, and then worry that they'll walk away wondering why I was so rude to not answer the door. I haven't really announced to the entire office (hundreds of people) that I'm pumping, so they'll just have to be confused and/or offended for a few months. This hasn't happened yet, so I'm always crossing my fingers that nobody will need me for the 20 minutes this whole process takes, twice a day.

Routine has started to set in, and I find it really interesting how my attitude about work has changed. I have always been so driven and usually at the top of the performance charts, which to a degree I still feel committed to, but I am also completely comfortable knowing that I'm not as desperate to be #1 as I once was. I just want to be really good at what I do. That's enough for me.

I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier or harder to have left Ginger at the traditional 3 months, vs. after 7 1/2 months. I've concluded that I would have probably lost it a whole lot more at 3 months, but it's still hard. At mid-week this week, a tiny thought crept into my mind- "Is this all worth it?" Of course, we don't have a choice- we are dependant on my salary, but there are still plenty of moments filled with wishes that somehow, it could be different. I'm sure every working mom can relate on this one, and that actually makes me feel better reminding myself of this, as it's not unique and just part of the challenge of working outside of the home. Don't get me wrong- this new opportunity is THE perfect fit for me, in fact I've said more than a few times that if I could have written what my returning to work would look like, it would be this. Exactly. But my heart still hurts a little bit.

The good news is that soon enough, once I've gotten through training, built relationships with the key players, and demonstrated that I know what I'm doing, I will begin working from home at least 2-3 times a week. It looks like Mondays and Thursdays will be office days, but Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday I will be able to work from home. I still don't know how that will work out with Ginger- if I'll be able to flex my schedule, if it will prove difficult to work from home with her here (with a nanny, of course), or if it can be managed. But I still look forward to that flexibility.

All in all, I would call this week a success. I've met some fantastic people, and can tell that I'm really going to be valued within the organization. That's a good feeling, all things considered.